Addicted to Death; Addicted to Life

I recently read an article that brought up a lot of my past experiences.

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“What are you going to tell your children?” was a question that burned on my heart, in my real life experience.
My mom aborted when I was 8ish… she’d had two boyfriends at the same time. I don’t think she knew who’s baby it was, though she made sure one guy paid for it.
One fella, a really nice guy, ( a sinner but ‘nice’ to me) was a ‘black’ guy -I don’t think she wanted a ‘mixed’ baby. I know my grandmother did not, she made that clear by asking me if I knew if it was ‘his’. And the other was a royal jerk that ended up moving in… anyway! She aborted this baby and I was fully aware of it. I had to help her a lot the days after the abortion, while she recovered… I had two little sisters from the man she’d just divorced they were 2ish, 3ish.Then when I was older it hit me really hard that she decided which ones were ‘worth keeping’ and which ones were not.

She was never sorry for doing it. She always claimed she just couldn’t do the ’single parent thing’ and have another pregnancy, baby… never outwardly remorseful in the least when I asked her. She could not muster any emotional opposition to murder of her own grandchild when my dear sister was in the similar position and heavily contemplating an abortion… mom didn’t persuade her to do it, but she didn’t really try hard to persuade her not to either. I had gotten mom and sis, through God’s grace, to go to a CPC to see the heart beating and everything, but she still did it. Sis had an abortion at 8 weeks gestation. I will never ever forget seeing that heartbeat and telling her “congratulations you are a mommy…”

The day she killed the baby my other sis came from out of town to support her and be with her at the clinic. My mom came over to my place asking for money because sis was on the table at the clinic and started freaking out she wanted to be ‘knocked out’ completely and didn’t have the money for that extra fee. I refused being any part of it, though it hurt me to know my sister was going through such a horrible experience, in her own volition. I asked my mom to please not bring them by that I just couldn’t deal with the situation in person. I’d spent hours on the phone crying with the boyfriend/dad that wanted his baby, but wasn’t willing to persuade her to go against what SHE WANTED… he insisted God had nothing to do with anything.
Sure enough mom brought them by because of course she felt I should see my sister from out of town before she went back. All they talked about was being hungry! And how they were going out to eat! I could bearly look them in the face. I didn’t hate them, but I so hated what they did that I was emotionally sick and could not over ride the ‘feelings.’It was a black day.

A few months later the Lord moved us away from my family to another city. I was in a lot of depression because I couldn’t shake the experiences from prior to moving. One of the things that haunted my mind was that that baby could have lived… I saw the heart beating.

Exactly a year after the baby was killed I had my first miscarriage. I tried to talk to her about the sadness that comes when a baby dies and she came right out and said she couldn’t relate, that she never felt that way.So happens, I had moved practically next door to a CPC. One saturday I stopped in and asked if they had any counseling for people that had not personally experienced an abortion of their own child, but that of a loved one…
The lady that was there said “no” but that she had aborted her baby years earlier and her teenage children, that she’d recently confessed her act to, were very upset and had many of the same thoughts and questions.
They too felt that their mother couldn’t possibly love them, as they had always thought she did, if she could kill a sibling.
This mom was remorseful and a believer and that was comforting to know, but I left there wondering how many billions of other people in this world have had real heartache from the murder of a baby in their lives.
And I kept thinking how ABORTION has power through the generations.
If you can’t teach your kids that life is to be protected, then outside of GOD’s work in their hearts, how do they resist the inclination to kill for their own convenience? You need to teach respect of life through your own actions as well as your words and God’s words.

I am so glad we moved away. We were freed from the social constrains all around us, inside and outside of the church, to not get pregnant again. When we next conceived we were so joyful. The baby didn’t stay with us long, but that wasn’t the point. We learned more about the sovereignty of God. We conceived again 5 month later and were given our first little girl! We experienced two more early losses before we were given our youngest son and yet another early loss this fall.

I have been brought back to my core beliefs, through this last grief, and am reminded of the earlier lessons the Lord gave us. As much as I HATE death I can not say no to life, ever. I need to be able to stand before my children with a clear response to LIFE.

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Jacinda & Michael married for 10 years ~blessings~ Luke 9, Timothy 8, Michalina 5, Sophia 3, Jonathan 1yo. and 4 in His arms. Growing as a family by our Lord.
Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yeilding fruit

Family Wellness

Family Wellness

Day Four of Phytoplankton Supplementation

I have wonderful news to share.

We are doing well on the Marine Phytoplankton supplement.

As anticipated we received our package last week -on Friday.

We all have been taking .5-1 oz. each of these last 4 days.

Our first bottle will probably be empty tomorrow.

My husband is raving how he has his wife back I have life in me again after nearly a year of weariness.

I’ve gotten more done today in ALL areas of life than since the middle of my pregnancy with Jonny! And I still have energy to give me hope that when I wake tomorrow I can not only get regular daily stuff done but start digging out of the mess of not having energy for so long has put me in.

Thus far the improvement of health has been evident in less nervous energy in the children. Eldest son who has had some digestive distress the last several months is looking great his complexion is better and bloating of his belly is down. His mood is was up too!

I am showing the biggest improvements being the one with the most serious concerns.

During last several weeks of miscarriage I have been gathering all the knowledge of health and nutrition and making a plan.

I am trying to work on some systemic diseases that I have had in my system for decades.
I am concerned that they might have a bigger barring on my fertility than I wanted to face.

I have shows of immune failure in my digestive functions and
My Psoriasis ( you see I have to own it after twenty years LOL)
Is really bad right now.
I have it in uncomfortable places -like the inner thighs! And unfortunately big saucer sized areas are effected with itching and burning.
My hands are constantly dry calloused, cracked and bleeding – no matter how much lanolin, emu oil, a,d,and vit e that I apply…
The top of a foot and ankle is cracked, itching, and bleeding.
My scalp is doing better.
My elbows and knees aren’t so bad.
And my most calloused heal/ ankle is thinning.
After being more careful about my diet and drinking lots of water.

I have researched and know what to do to knock it out of my system for good but it is going to take a lot of self control and prayer.

I am sure that other problems like weight issues, digestion, arthritis, fatigue, and fertility/ hormonal issues that have been causing miscarriages will improve as well.

I will be fasting and excluding many foods that are triggers.

As I starve the fungus in my system I will be using a super-food to nourish my cells.

I don’t want to fail in this… I want my body to be a safe home for a baby.

I want to have the energy to take care of this family.

Pray for my children and husband as I will probably feel bad and be low energy for awhile as my body detoxes.
Please.
Pray for my husband to take his health more seriously.
Pray for my eldest who is moody and low energy with digestive issues.
Pray for my second son to start to desire better foods as he is nourished
by the marine phytoplankton supplementation.

Post- Miscarriage

I think I have been doing pretty well considering. So thankful to the support I have in other women on the net that understand the pain.

I admittedly have started to throw myself into beloved projects part of this is out of coping yet some is out of the inner need to see some progress, fruit for my efforts, to see LIFE so I don’t have to dwell on death. I think that is normal and healthy. I had a moment where I felt like it didn’t mater if I went on… other than the needs of my own family. I just lost for a time, my own enthusiasm for life. I am trying to hang on to what makes me motivated and connected to the world around me.

What, who is around me doesn’t understand that I lost a baby.

I met a mom today on the net that sent me to this birth site and I read an article that put words to some of my feelings… though not all feelings were shared in my experience, certainly some have been!

I also was reminded of the forums at Comfort in Heaven

I joined there and was blessed by one of the members who was sharing about her pregnancy loss through song and testimony here.

Life does go on but it is always, always different after a baby has come and gone on.

I was touched. Thank you Yeshua for letting this little one touch me.

Protecting a pregnancy-preventing one

We are shifting thought and action. It is hard and painful.

We have five beautiful children to care for and raise. It is hard, it is painful.

We have had four miscarried babies. It is hard, it is painful!

This ninth pregnancy was miscarried.It is hard it is painful.

It is pretty clear that the problem is estrogen dominance between nursing and a new conception.

Yes, I have vitex in the cupboard! Why didn’t I use it? I am not sure?

I wanted to get hormonal balance but always busy never took the time to just do it!

Thought about getting my progesterone level counted.  Have a terrible gp doc and no ob to get the woman well care; it will take much effort to do so!

Why didn’t I ? May be a question that will come back to me. After 3 miscarriages and many hours of researching of what could be the cause why didn’t I follow through with a possible help?

The simplest answer is my life is busy and more than full, it’s overflowing with responsibilities and demands on my time and energy.

The children are growing so fast and there are so many things – important things I have yet to teach them!

When life becomes so full that even the most basic things are getting neglected… and the weightier things are glossed over like protecting a pregnancy, a life… then I am pretty well convinced that something drastic needs to change… somewhere.

Will it be the children’s schooling that is already scanty at times?

Will it be the house that is more than neglected already?

Will it be the ‘outside activities’ that are already extremely limited?

Will it be time spent  seeking G-d’s face directly when worship and relationship is already interrupted constantly.

Will it be time strengthening our marriage when soulful communication is stagnating from being rushed?

What is going to ‘give’? What is going to be set aside  at least for a time?

We’ve decided that if my body isn’t making the progesterone to form a safe ‘home’ for the baby in my womb then there will be a space of time that we will not allow conception.

This doesn’t mean that we value the gift of life less than we did when we didn’t intervene. I actually am acutely aware right now of what a miracle each step of life and development is.

If I have any time of fertility and ability to carry another wee one left I want it to be a time of rejoicing and reflection on the wonderful years of bringing children into the world. I want it to be a celebration that was prepared for!

I am pleading to the Lord for at least just one more time of being a part of the miracle of life, just one more time, dear Lord… I am prayerfully waiting for that time.

Baby Blessings Once Again

A little one is being knit in the womb and we are hopeful to have another Spring Blessing.

I’ll be so happy to birth then!

I won’t have to go through the heat pregnant as I have done so many times.

And I will have lots of fresh air to revitalize myself in.

The weather will be great to spend lots of time with the little ones in the backyard. I should be able to get walking in regularly. We do get a mid – summer biting bug infestation that we usually have to bar ourselves inside from but I can plan some homeschool seat work for then.

At any rate I am looking forward to the future.

Due date is May 27th ten days after Luke’s birthday. So extra exciting that baby could be born so near his special day.

We are having a great time learning.

Faith Hope

Faith Hope was born a little blessing to become a heavenly blessing.

Read her storystory  written by her mommy.

Update

Hi readers,

It is nice to see there are some<grin>

I fairly well thought I might let go of the blog this last month.

Yet I am still receiving comments and my life seems dull without my normal times of posting about what I am learning and reflecting on.

I have been reflecting on how many do not understand what UC birthing is about. And how many would say it is a lack of care for the child. I have had some negative reactions and I am ‘feeling’ that no matter what choices I make for my family there will always be people that will not understand or appreciate what we are doing.

Just like anything else in life I can not live on my feelings. Presently I feel tired and depressed. I KNOW that will not last forever and I will get my energies and enthusiasm back but there is a sadness from not being understood and having so many ideals that I am reaching for. The bumps we just passed over the last few weeks have left some bruises. Healing comes.

AND yes, spring is just around the corner.

Please forgive the temporary barrenness here on the blog of the last month. I will revive and post again soon.

In my personal life I have been calling out to the Lord to make me a better wife and mother! And I expect to show fruit from this deep desire and the studies I have been doing.

Birthing a Quiverfull is more than birthing the unborn but raising him in the admonition of the Lord and showing the fruit of the Spirit in my daily walk and ministry to my family.

The mistakes I have made in the past must be confessed to have new insight on the future and to raise these children for the Lord.

I am rereading To Train Up a Child and Raising Your Child for Christ.

And Love and Respect, Creative Counterpart, Disciplines of Marriage, and Created to be His Helpmeet.

Please pray for me.

The Business of Being Born

For my birthday I viewed the film for the first time. Yes, I know it has been available for a long time… I was corresponding via email with others interested in childbirth when their areas were getting special screenings. All reasons I did not get too see it until now aside.

This was the time for ME to view The Business of Being Born

I came away from the documentary feeling very satisfied in my overall birthing experience. I have had five births and three miscarriages I undoubtedly have had diverse experiences. Though home midwifery care and cesarean section surgery are two experiences I have not had the film was helpful to me. Solidifying our philosophy of family birthing has been a journey and every bit of interaction with those that are passionate about childbirth adds to our education. I am grateful for this documentary that sums up the history of modern medicalized childbirth and shows the public some of the history of natural childbirth. Remember women have always given birth from the beginning. Natural childbirth has a long standing history that needs a documentaries of it’s own.

I also enjoyed seeing the faces and hearing the voices of many of the leading authors of books I have read.

For the surprise ending of Abby’s C-section birth of Matteo. Though some were critical of it I saw it as again another form of realistic education and am glad that it was included. Premature breech babies come into this world to find the medical establishment’s assistance needed!

Our QF Story

From before we married we were open to having children as the Lord gave them to us and purposed to avoid all chemical birth control. We had our first two children 16 months apart -very close together. Their conception was 5 months after marriage and 5 months after birth of first baby. I was called a ” fertile Mertle.” Everyone was surprised we ‘let conception happen’ especially because they were eventful pregnancies with hypermesis, pre-term labor, and bed-rest in the mix. We also were not financially stable and found ourselves moving more than once a year in search of an affordable living situation. Then at 18 months old our eldest boy lost all his early speech and our second son proved to be on the strong willed hyper side. All that to say we had more than the terrible twos to deal with. Nothing was easy -at one point I even found myself living in the upstairs rooms of an elderly friend -pregnant with a toddler, doing dishes in the bath tub, fighting the summer heat with no air-conditioning on an upper floor all day and night, laundry was being done at the laundry mat… my husband was trying to go to school and work and was not home much.
Finally my husband found a job that would support us okay and a townhouse apartment. We made the move but this left us with no local friends or relatives as it was many miles west of where we were from. This was the beginning of years of being pretty much alone in life accept for our relationship with the Lord.

We were using the barrier method ’sometimes’ after my second son -when we were stretched to our limits in all these circumstances. Finally we felt at ease and desired another baby very much- though things weren’t perfect. We became pregnant! But within the first week of recognizing the baby we lost him/her. We had decided we were so fertile that we needed to be in control when circumstances dictated! And now we were faced with the reality that we had little control of these things. If it were up to us we would not ever ‘loose’ a baby. We decided I must need to let my body heal and continued in use of barrier method for 3-4 months. In my frustration I thought maybe the Lord let that happen because we needed to make more of an effort to get out of the apartment living that was not ideal for raising a family. So we tried to make that happen and the Lord let many unusual things happen to postpone finding a home. We’d lost a deal on a house I had my heart set on! and finally we just gave up trying to control things -it wasn’t really what we ever wanted to do anyway. The circumstances kinda scared us into clinging to ‘being responsible’ and taking charge of our lives. We conceived again and delivered our first girl within a year of the miscarriage! Then and only then did the Lord make the way for our move to our first home. We then conceived our second daughter 5 months after our move. And this only happened because we listened to our hearts and the Lord not our emotions and circumstances.
As I type this while holding my eighth baby -the fifth to be in my arms. I realize that in those earlier days were lessons that we needed to be forced to go through. If we had not I doubt we would be so strongly QF minded. And I doubt we could have come through the last few years as close to the Lord -by far more trying years than our earlier marriage.
Looking at our life as a whole makes the reality of the Lord’s work in our lives powerful and enables us to let go of the tendency to try to control the future more easily.

To read more click here as I write more chapters about our journey.

Wearing My Baby

I have had more success wearing my baby this time around.

I’ve tried to always keep my babies close with the first two I sat a lot with them or even snuggled in bed with them but as our family grew life did not afford that for baby and me. After we experienced having to have Michalina our 3rd baby in a swing a lot -as we were moving and getting settled in to our home the year she was born I was really challenged with being the attachment parent I wanted to be! It was hard for both of us! I used the Snuggly that I had since becoming a mom but after she got past 12 lbs. it hurt my shoulders and I had to limit it’s use.

When Sophia was born -my smallest baby of 6.5lbs. I tried a KangaCarrier Shirt in her earliest weeks – I found it hard to wrap the under cloth without help though. I used a ring sling and a Snuggly but never found anything that was comfortable for both of us for consistent wearing. Then I did a lot of reading on the net and found many different options. I like the Rebozo and the Maya Wrap though I am enjoying this bundle of love made of fleece for this newborn stage. I was blessed by a very thoughtful Aunt with one as Jonathan’s birthday present! It is the most comfortable thing I have used for my shoulders and back and he is completely lulled to sleep in the warmth it provides. It also works as well for being able to have him in position for suckling leaving my hands free to do other small tasks.

Wear Your Baby.com is the best place for ideas for making your own baby carrier. Why not start experimenting now with what you have around the house. I plan on trying to use a sheet. I also found some material on clearance at Wal Mart for only .50 a yard that I think would be great for this summer.

I also came across a mom’s homemade instructions for making an ERGO type carrier out of a few things you already probably own. ERGOS seem to have a wonderful design but 100.00 is a bit pricey for some of us. And you can’t nurse with an Ergo which is a must for my newborn.

More research on the net will give you an exhaustive flow of articles about the benefits of wearing your baby, even your toddler.

I think the benefits to the whole family outweigh the time invested in finding the best carrier for you and the struggles of the learning curve.

Have fun and take it slow as both you and your baby learn this great way to nurture your relationship!