Getting Older…Being Mother

It’s been really odd for me… getting older. I feel like such a babe in some areas. I feel like I have so much more to learn about being a wife & mother! I wonder what I will be thinking and feeling ten years from now when likely my fertility will be wrapped up and my first and second child will be entering adulthood?

I read this article a few days ago.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/3931.html

It was kinda refreshing in that it showed more balanced insight of groups of women. Many of the articles I have read either show the strong pro family ( adamantly opposing anything faintly of feminism persuasion ) or the blatant hard core feminist world view -that really consists of a minority population of women.

I think the article made well a point that I have tried to bring up in Christian circles ( the nature of the cultural confusion on motherhood not being as well thought out as to purposely be doing battle against the Christian home). Attacking our values is not most secular women’s aim in life, yk. Nor is my aim as a Christian woman to spend my time to take issue with world views that I don’t live by. I just purpose to live faithfully the way I have been directed to.

I have to say I have always had a strong desire for marriage and family ( even though my growing up years were a bit odd and could have turned me against men as a whole) I threw myself into christian work for several of my single years and many saw me as more of an activities driven person then I really was. I too questioned if I should just work hard and go into a Bible College and do service to others rather than hold out for a man, marriage & family.
Right before I married I was asked by a Pastor to examine the amount of church activity I was involved in as a means to determine if my Beloved was the one for me… And my heart screamed inside my chest ” Don’t you get it that is why I give my all to the church… because I don’t have a family of my own to pour myself into.” I loved being with children and did lots of activities with children’s ministries, but I intuitively stayed away from the babies… they made my maternal desires well up so full I felt broken that my man was not in my life yet. Maybe if I was a little younger I wouldn’t have responded that way, but I was 26 by the time I finally married. I’d wanted to be married and start a family for many years.

I view motherhood as the ultimate career- a position that helps me be all I can be. Having the versatility that most professions would not afford. I can grow in all areas of interest rather than focus only on the expectations that an employer would have for my job description. I never feel like I am loosing myself, but that I am gaining in life what I hold dearest, relationships and the daily refining of the knowledge and skills to give into those people that are placed in my life. I guess I don’t have the strongest need to be ‘important’ to a whole lot of people, certainly not the world. I have no regret in giving myself solely to those in my family, they can have all of me. And I don’t ever regret giving into maternal desires as to conceive another child. I had one short lived season where I resisted the idea of the ‘next one’ coming along that was the summer we about killed ourselves to get moved into our first home and then I wanted to ‘get organized’ before we had another… a few very busy months went by that I knew I was fertile, yet I would have a level of relief when I wasn’t expecting… my second little girl was clearly conceived and seven months later she was birthed into her daddy’s arms in the living-room our our home.
I’ve never felt resistant again.
The last few years I explored the idea of maybe having a career or special ministry during or after motherhood and I came to the conclusion that I am forever primarily Wife/MOTHER and will continue as so into grand-motherhood until my death.
I remember watching a PBS documentary my second year of marriage on the longevity of marriages. All of the couples had been married 40, 50, or 60 plus years. The common thread in what they said was that it took decades to really, really know their spouses.That the seasons of being newlyweds, parents, sharing and enjoying retirement and the grand-parenting years these were the motivation to work through any problems because they had a desire to know more about each other in each season of life. It was worth the forgiveness and faithfulness that had to take place in their marriages.

Seasons of parenthood are similar. We desire to share what comes next, and after that, and after that. It takes all of our being to make those years rich.
I pray that I can carry a few more babies before menopause. While doing a lot of praying I realized that when it is time for my fertility to end I will likely accept it fairly well and be ready for the lack of childbearing responsibilities. And embrace enjoying the children I still have at home. I think the mourning of a season of life gone by will be relatively short and as I wake from it I will look around at all the lovely endeavors I have before me and the cherub faces I will have lots of time with.

Baby Blessing Yet Again!

Yes, You read me right.

Me right?

Well, not always.

Yet, undeniably so, in this.

Two days ‘late’ and curious, but only thinking ‘things’ were still off.

I tested first thing in the morning, stepped away momentarily, and came back to a bold POSITIVE.

Slipping the completed test into an addressed envelop and tucking it away until it was given to dad by one of his girls as part of the regular mail was a fun way to announce the pregnancy.

As I was working in the kitchen I heard a male voice exclaim happily, yet with some disbelief. “No way! You’ve got to be kidding?”

So I the demure wife stepped into the room and say

“I am Glad you are so happy!” about the fastest clearest positive we could get.

Lord willing, we will be delivering a baby in late August or early September.

Addicted to Death; Addicted to Life

I recently read an article that brought up a lot of my past experiences.

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“What are you going to tell your children?” was a question that burned on my heart, in my real life experience.
My mom aborted when I was 8ish… she’d had two boyfriends at the same time. I don’t think she knew who’s baby it was, though she made sure one guy paid for it.
One fella, a really nice guy, ( a sinner but ‘nice’ to me) was a ‘black’ guy -I don’t think she wanted a ‘mixed’ baby. I know my grandmother did not, she made that clear by asking me if I knew if it was ‘his’. And the other was a royal jerk that ended up moving in… anyway! She aborted this baby and I was fully aware of it. I had to help her a lot the days after the abortion, while she recovered… I had two little sisters from the man she’d just divorced they were 2ish, 3ish.Then when I was older it hit me really hard that she decided which ones were ‘worth keeping’ and which ones were not.

She was never sorry for doing it. She always claimed she just couldn’t do the ’single parent thing’ and have another pregnancy, baby… never outwardly remorseful in the least when I asked her. She could not muster any emotional opposition to murder of her own grandchild when my dear sister was in the similar position and heavily contemplating an abortion… mom didn’t persuade her to do it, but she didn’t really try hard to persuade her not to either. I had gotten mom and sis, through God’s grace, to go to a CPC to see the heart beating and everything, but she still did it. Sis had an abortion at 8 weeks gestation. I will never ever forget seeing that heartbeat and telling her “congratulations you are a mommy…”

The day she killed the baby my other sis came from out of town to support her and be with her at the clinic. My mom came over to my place asking for money because sis was on the table at the clinic and started freaking out she wanted to be ‘knocked out’ completely and didn’t have the money for that extra fee. I refused being any part of it, though it hurt me to know my sister was going through such a horrible experience, in her own volition. I asked my mom to please not bring them by that I just couldn’t deal with the situation in person. I’d spent hours on the phone crying with the boyfriend/dad that wanted his baby, but wasn’t willing to persuade her to go against what SHE WANTED… he insisted God had nothing to do with anything.
Sure enough mom brought them by because of course she felt I should see my sister from out of town before she went back. All they talked about was being hungry! And how they were going out to eat! I could bearly look them in the face. I didn’t hate them, but I so hated what they did that I was emotionally sick and could not over ride the ‘feelings.’It was a black day.

A few months later the Lord moved us away from my family to another city. I was in a lot of depression because I couldn’t shake the experiences from prior to moving. One of the things that haunted my mind was that that baby could have lived… I saw the heart beating.

Exactly a year after the baby was killed I had my first miscarriage. I tried to talk to her about the sadness that comes when a baby dies and she came right out and said she couldn’t relate, that she never felt that way.So happens, I had moved practically next door to a CPC. One saturday I stopped in and asked if they had any counseling for people that had not personally experienced an abortion of their own child, but that of a loved one…
The lady that was there said “no” but that she had aborted her baby years earlier and her teenage children, that she’d recently confessed her act to, were very upset and had many of the same thoughts and questions.
They too felt that their mother couldn’t possibly love them, as they had always thought she did, if she could kill a sibling.
This mom was remorseful and a believer and that was comforting to know, but I left there wondering how many billions of other people in this world have had real heartache from the murder of a baby in their lives.
And I kept thinking how ABORTION has power through the generations.
If you can’t teach your kids that life is to be protected, then outside of GOD’s work in their hearts, how do they resist the inclination to kill for their own convenience? You need to teach respect of life through your own actions as well as your words and God’s words.

I am so glad we moved away. We were freed from the social constrains all around us, inside and outside of the church, to not get pregnant again. When we next conceived we were so joyful. The baby didn’t stay with us long, but that wasn’t the point. We learned more about the sovereignty of God. We conceived again 5 month later and were given our first little girl! We experienced two more early losses before we were given our youngest son and yet another early loss this fall.

I have been brought back to my core beliefs, through this last grief, and am reminded of the earlier lessons the Lord gave us. As much as I HATE death I can not say no to life, ever. I need to be able to stand before my children with a clear response to LIFE.

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Jacinda & Michael married for 10 years ~blessings~ Luke 9, Timothy 8, Michalina 5, Sophia 3, Jonathan 1yo. and 4 in His arms. Growing as a family by our Lord.
Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yeilding fruit

Family Wellness

Family Wellness

Day Four of Phytoplankton Supplementation

I have wonderful news to share.

We are doing well on the Marine Phytoplankton supplement.

As anticipated we received our package last week -on Friday.

We all have been taking .5-1 oz. each of these last 4 days.

Our first bottle will probably be empty tomorrow.

My husband is raving how he has his wife back I have life in me again after nearly a year of weariness.

I’ve gotten more done today in ALL areas of life than since the middle of my pregnancy with Jonny! And I still have energy to give me hope that when I wake tomorrow I can not only get regular daily stuff done but start digging out of the mess of not having energy for so long has put me in.

Thus far the improvement of health has been evident in less nervous energy in the children. Eldest son who has had some digestive distress the last several months is looking great his complexion is better and bloating of his belly is down. His mood is was up too!

I am showing the biggest improvements being the one with the most serious concerns.

During last several weeks of miscarriage I have been gathering all the knowledge of health and nutrition and making a plan.

I am trying to work on some systemic diseases that I have had in my system for decades.
I am concerned that they might have a bigger barring on my fertility than I wanted to face.

I have shows of immune failure in my digestive functions and
My Psoriasis ( you see I have to own it after twenty years LOL)
Is really bad right now.
I have it in uncomfortable places -like the inner thighs! And unfortunately big saucer sized areas are effected with itching and burning.
My hands are constantly dry calloused, cracked and bleeding – no matter how much lanolin, emu oil, a,d,and vit e that I apply…
The top of a foot and ankle is cracked, itching, and bleeding.
My scalp is doing better.
My elbows and knees aren’t so bad.
And my most calloused heal/ ankle is thinning.
After being more careful about my diet and drinking lots of water.

I have researched and know what to do to knock it out of my system for good but it is going to take a lot of self control and prayer.

I am sure that other problems like weight issues, digestion, arthritis, fatigue, and fertility/ hormonal issues that have been causing miscarriages will improve as well.

I will be fasting and excluding many foods that are triggers.

As I starve the fungus in my system I will be using a super-food to nourish my cells.

I don’t want to fail in this… I want my body to be a safe home for a baby.

I want to have the energy to take care of this family.

Pray for my children and husband as I will probably feel bad and be low energy for awhile as my body detoxes.
Please.
Pray for my husband to take his health more seriously.
Pray for my eldest who is moody and low energy with digestive issues.
Pray for my second son to start to desire better foods as he is nourished
by the marine phytoplankton supplementation.

Post- Miscarriage

I think I have been doing pretty well considering. So thankful to the support I have in other women on the net that understand the pain.

I admittedly have started to throw myself into beloved projects part of this is out of coping yet some is out of the inner need to see some progress, fruit for my efforts, to see LIFE so I don’t have to dwell on death. I think that is normal and healthy. I had a moment where I felt like it didn’t mater if I went on… other than the needs of my own family. I just lost for a time, my own enthusiasm for life. I am trying to hang on to what makes me motivated and connected to the world around me.

What, who is around me doesn’t understand that I lost a baby.

I met a mom today on the net that sent me to this birth site and I read an article that put words to some of my feelings… though not all feelings were shared in my experience, certainly some have been!

I also was reminded of the forums at Comfort in Heaven

I joined there and was blessed by one of the members who was sharing about her pregnancy loss through song and testimony here.

Life does go on but it is always, always different after a baby has come and gone on.

I was touched. Thank you Yeshua for letting this little one touch me.

Protecting a pregnancy-preventing one

We are shifting thought and action. It is hard and painful.

We have five beautiful children to care for and raise. It is hard, it is painful.

We have had four miscarried babies. It is hard, it is painful!

This ninth pregnancy was miscarried.It is hard it is painful.

It is pretty clear that the problem is estrogen dominance between nursing and a new conception.

Yes, I have vitex in the cupboard! Why didn’t I use it? I am not sure?

I wanted to get hormonal balance but always busy never took the time to just do it!

Thought about getting my progesterone level counted.  Have a terrible gp doc and no ob to get the woman well care; it will take much effort to do so!

Why didn’t I ? May be a question that will come back to me. After 3 miscarriages and many hours of researching of what could be the cause why didn’t I follow through with a possible help?

The simplest answer is my life is busy and more than full, it’s overflowing with responsibilities and demands on my time and energy.

The children are growing so fast and there are so many things – important things I have yet to teach them!

When life becomes so full that even the most basic things are getting neglected… and the weightier things are glossed over like protecting a pregnancy, a life… then I am pretty well convinced that something drastic needs to change… somewhere.

Will it be the children’s schooling that is already scanty at times?

Will it be the house that is more than neglected already?

Will it be the ‘outside activities’ that are already extremely limited?

Will it be time spent  seeking G-d’s face directly when worship and relationship is already interrupted constantly.

Will it be time strengthening our marriage when soulful communication is stagnating from being rushed?

What is going to ‘give’? What is going to be set aside  at least for a time?

We’ve decided that if my body isn’t making the progesterone to form a safe ‘home’ for the baby in my womb then there will be a space of time that we will not allow conception.

This doesn’t mean that we value the gift of life less than we did when we didn’t intervene. I actually am acutely aware right now of what a miracle each step of life and development is.

If I have any time of fertility and ability to carry another wee one left I want it to be a time of rejoicing and reflection on the wonderful years of bringing children into the world. I want it to be a celebration that was prepared for!

I am pleading to the Lord for at least just one more time of being a part of the miracle of life, just one more time, dear Lord… I am prayerfully waiting for that time.

Baby Blessings Once Again

A little one is being knit in the womb and we are hopeful to have another Spring Blessing.

I’ll be so happy to birth then!

I won’t have to go through the heat pregnant as I have done so many times.

And I will have lots of fresh air to revitalize myself in.

The weather will be great to spend lots of time with the little ones in the backyard. I should be able to get walking in regularly. We do get a mid – summer biting bug infestation that we usually have to bar ourselves inside from but I can plan some homeschool seat work for then.

At any rate I am looking forward to the future.

Due date is May 27th ten days after Luke’s birthday. So extra exciting that baby could be born so near his special day.

We are having a great time learning.

Faith Hope

Faith Hope was born a little blessing to become a heavenly blessing.

Read her storystory  written by her mommy.

Update

Hi readers,

It is nice to see there are some<grin>

I fairly well thought I might let go of the blog this last month.

Yet I am still receiving comments and my life seems dull without my normal times of posting about what I am learning and reflecting on.

I have been reflecting on how many do not understand what UC birthing is about. And how many would say it is a lack of care for the child. I have had some negative reactions and I am ‘feeling’ that no matter what choices I make for my family there will always be people that will not understand or appreciate what we are doing.

Just like anything else in life I can not live on my feelings. Presently I feel tired and depressed. I KNOW that will not last forever and I will get my energies and enthusiasm back but there is a sadness from not being understood and having so many ideals that I am reaching for. The bumps we just passed over the last few weeks have left some bruises. Healing comes.

AND yes, spring is just around the corner.

Please forgive the temporary barrenness here on the blog of the last month. I will revive and post again soon.

In my personal life I have been calling out to the Lord to make me a better wife and mother! And I expect to show fruit from this deep desire and the studies I have been doing.

Birthing a Quiverfull is more than birthing the unborn but raising him in the admonition of the Lord and showing the fruit of the Spirit in my daily walk and ministry to my family.

The mistakes I have made in the past must be confessed to have new insight on the future and to raise these children for the Lord.

I am rereading To Train Up a Child and Raising Your Child for Christ.

And Love and Respect, Creative Counterpart, Disciplines of Marriage, and Created to be His Helpmeet.

Please pray for me.

The Business of Being Born

For my birthday I viewed the film for the first time. Yes, I know it has been available for a long time… I was corresponding via email with others interested in childbirth when their areas were getting special screenings. All reasons I did not get too see it until now aside.

This was the time for ME to view The Business of Being Born

I came away from the documentary feeling very satisfied in my overall birthing experience. I have had five births and three miscarriages I undoubtedly have had diverse experiences. Though home midwifery care and cesarean section surgery are two experiences I have not had the film was helpful to me. Solidifying our philosophy of family birthing has been a journey and every bit of interaction with those that are passionate about childbirth adds to our education. I am grateful for this documentary that sums up the history of modern medicalized childbirth and shows the public some of the history of natural childbirth. Remember women have always given birth from the beginning. Natural childbirth has a long standing history that needs a documentaries of it’s own.

I also enjoyed seeing the faces and hearing the voices of many of the leading authors of books I have read.

For the surprise ending of Abby’s C-section birth of Matteo. Though some were critical of it I saw it as again another form of realistic education and am glad that it was included. Premature breech babies come into this world to find the medical establishment’s assistance needed!